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“0% By Volume”

April 3, 2011

One night as I walked home from work
I passed a little shop;
A shiny bottle caught my eye,
And naturally I stopped.

At home a little later on,
I broached my liquid prize;
And lo – ’twas water, nothing more,
I lifted to my eyes.

But when I sniffed it – straightaway
I breathed the fragrance in –
My knees gave way beneath me
And my head began to spin.

From standing start to pissed-as-fart
In scarce a second more,
The scent suffused my sinuses
And sent me to the floor.

My fingers felt like jelly-cubes,
My head a private hell;
My stomach groaned in agony,
And this from just the smell!

My vision twinned like bad 3D,
I saw what must be done:
I raised two glasses to my lips
And downed them both in one.

At once the double-vision cleared,
The bookshelves ceased to sway;
From quite destroyed to merely smashed
I made my trembling way.

Another glass and I could sit;
A third, recall my name;
A fourth restored my powers of speech,
A fifth, my sense of shame.

And so I beat the demons off
Cup by determined cup;
I had to drink the bottle dry
Before I sobered up.

Next day, I ventured forth again
Upon my coffee-break;
I passed the shop in daylight then,
And realised my mistake.

Dear friends, take heed of what I did,
And of its aftermath;
And buy your spirits from a bar,
And not a homeopath.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 4, 2011 4:30 am

    This is perfect.

    Eagerly anticipating an entire month of poems from you! I’d get on the bandwagon, but I’m dreadful at such things.


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