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‘The University Pagan Society Accidentally Summons Cthulhu’

April 1, 2011

‘Twas in the summer term one year, before examinations,
Arose the above-specified appalling situation:
The president had big ideas; the treasurer was game;
The secretary iffy, but excited all the same;
The VP was an atheist, and sure that it would fail –
And so made no attempt to stop the subject of our tale.

This happy hippy coven in a dank and dreary room
Above the Student Union proceeded to their doom.
Their pentacle was marker-pen, their chants were disharmonious;
Their sigils mostly upside-down, and symbols quite erroneous;
But all done in a manner rather dreadfully sincere;
They might as well have held up signs – free lunches over here!

Thus the actors, thus the setting – thus the status of the stage –
When through the gate exploded Great Cthulhu in a rage!
A squamous, rugose symphony of talons, claws and teeth –
A head with tentacles above – and dragon wings beneath!
(The details of what followed are omitted from the story;
Content yourself with knowing they were manifold and gory.)

Eventually, the screaming stopped. Observe the awful scene:
The walls are red. The bits that aren’t are cosmic-horror green.
The VP caught a nasty case of violent death by tentacle;
The president has vanished, leaving only hat and pentacle;
The treasurer’s dissolving in a growing pool of slime;
Cthulhu sighs and eats the rest, 1d4 at a time.

*

It’s April, which means it’s National Poetry Writing Month again. Last year I did translations; this year I’m hoping for originals. Whether I’ll actually be able to manage a poem a day is anyone’s guess. But it’s worth a try.

The 1d4 thing is a reference to the boardgame Arkham Horror the Call of Cthulhu RPG – if Cthulhu is summoned, he eats 1d4 (that is, the number obtained from rolling one four-sided die) investigators per turn until he’s banished or you’re all dead.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Victoria Porter permalink
    April 1, 2011 4:48 pm

    I really loved this! My fellow nerdy friends and I are always joking around about Cthulhu. Two of those friends are a married couple with a toddler. We nicknamed the toddler Cthulhu. We’ve never played Arkham Horror, but we do get together to play Dungeons and Dragons so the d4 reference really made me laugh. I’m going to have to show this to them. It’s awesome. I’m really glad I came across it!

  2. Jack Spicer permalink
    April 1, 2011 4:48 pm

    Actually, if I remember correctly, the 1d4 thing is from the Call of Cthulhu RPG, not the board game. There, he lowers your max sanity or health by 1, and regains health.

    ANYWAYS

    Enough pedantry, I enjoyed the poem, highly entertaining =D

  3. April 1, 2011 5:53 pm

    I am totally geeking out over this. Loved it!

  4. April 1, 2011 6:03 pm

    WordPress won’t let me “like” this post, but yeah. Ditto Michael’s comment.

  5. April 1, 2011 9:57 pm

    Gah, it is Call of Cthulhu, as well. Correction made. Joke stands, though.

    I’m glad that people enjoyed it!

    Oddly enough, the genesis of the entire thing was noticing that ‘tentacle’ rhymed with ‘pentacle’ – and from there it just sort of fell into place . . .

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