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For indeed, there is beauty in all things.

April 22, 2010

My behind-the-scenes magic widgets inform me that Akismet (WordPress’ built-in spam filter) has protected me from 113 spam comments since the inception of this blog.

Most spam it deals with on its own and I never see it, but occasionally there’s a borderline case that it flags for human attention. Most of these are also spam, just a slightly cleverer variety of spam that leaves a harmless but meaningless message attached to a link to a spam website. Today’s entry was no exception, but I felt I had to share because the comment text was so utterly bizarre. Here it is:

System Contract protection side observe step official former situation job content strike first emphasis normally power opinion row accept search alright their order brief consideration human same vast notice manner challenge union that curriculum depend laugh nuclear ticket opposition once of comment employer introduce farmer afterwards circle cut percent tree high cash run concept another circle should winter imagine used him declare training objective surprise hot time domestic nor activity criminal door latter attack priority politics where pay explain in regulation institute handle economic care obviously instance favour aye sorry hope spend follow dry product strange message

That’s an exact replica, copy-and-pasted; I haven’t touched it. It’s bizarre: it’s a string of random words that here and there rise into an unexpected and tantalising moment of lucidity, as if there’s meaning lurking just below the surface, very similarly to my adventures with the Cento Generator.

I swear I am looking for codes in this thing; if I were a conspiracy theorist, I’d probably already be typing up a furious screed about how it’s proof! proof I say! that the aliens are coming for us or whatever. Discounting the possibility of aliens who appear to think we communicate by eating dictionaries and vomiting them back up, it’s still a fun exercise to try and figure out what the meaning behind all this would be, if, you know, it had one.

Clearly something’s gone wrong: the former situation no longer applies. And the wrong thing is serious, and needs to be dealt with sharply and summarily – we have to strike first. But the people who should be doing the dealing are too busy having a power opinion row amongst themselves and their order was given after only brief consideration, and isn’t well thought-through.

What to do now? There’s the danger of attracting vast notice if we resort to the nuclear ticket, so that’s out. But something’s happening: at this point some people introduce farmer who testifies that there’s been a circle cut in the corn on his farm. Well, shit. And now there’s another circle, and it turns out – too late – that the mysterious circle-makers have used him as a training objective to get a handle on humanity and now the human race is in for some serious hot time.

Clearly it’s now a case of attack priority, and our heroes are having to explain in regulation institute the importance of violating international law to save the world. It’ll have to be done in secret, so as not to scare the markets, hence the need to take economic care, obviously. But before an attack is launched, a satellite detects a mysterious substance in the air, and when the military follow dry product they are contacted with a strange message . . .

It’d make a decent movie, wouldn’t it?

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