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The Euphemism Generator

March 16, 2010

No, not one of mine, sadly. You can find it here. I have filed it away on the list of dubiously useful Internet facilities that might conceivably come in handy one day. Maybe if I ever write a novel with some sort of comedy pirate in it?

It constructs faux euphemisms on the verbing-the-noun pattern; the range of things thus produced is truly terrifying. Some of them are far funnier than they have any right to be. Some of them are downright disturbing. Some of them read like they’ve been translated via Chinese. And some of them are hilariously understandable.

Here follows a list of all the ones that, to my filthy little mind at least, quite clearly signify a particular act. I encourage people to generate their own and comment with any good (bad) ones they find.

Crashing the pink poetic pastry
‘Pink poetic pastry’ = best euphemism since ‘velvet TARDIS’.

Saluting the vicar
“Morning, vicar!”

Ruining the cherry bed
Eep. Also, ow.

Cranking the cactus
This one just made me laugh.

Spending the gigantic milkshake
I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! Wait … no.

Ironing the four-legged christmas tree
Weirdest sex position ever.

Putting a kink in the one-eyed Surgeon General
Sounds painful.

Tenderizing the pearls
As does this.

Double-parking the Batmobile
And this.

Going to town on the dolphin
I like this one.

Cleaning the technicolor cave
You get a badge for this one.

Smacking the ol’ Nantucket rabbit
I have a horrible feeling this one may be real.

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